WARNING: This article contains many spoilers on selected films.
The other day, I was reading an article on the upcoming Mathew Horne/James Corden movie Lesbian Vampire Killers, and it got me thinking about some of my favourite movie vampire killers. Obviously there are the big shots like Buffy Summers, Angel and Blade, but I tend to favour some of the lesser known, more obscure monster bashers. So here’s a wee rundown of my top 5 movie vampire killers:
5. Carl Kolchak (Darren McGavin in The Night Stalker, 1972)
The Night Stalker is probably generally regarged as the greatest made-for-TV movie ever made. The film follows the investigations of one Carl Kolchak (actor Darren McGavin in his most famous role – one which he would reprise for a sequel – The Night Stangler – and a subsequent TV series), an investigative journalist who takes a stab at the supernatural when investigating a series of Las Vegas murders. Each murder victim has been bitten in the neck and almost completely drained of blood. Kolchak’s theories get him nowhere with the authorities, and so he takes it upon himself to rid Las Vegas of it’s night stalker… a modern-day vampire.
Carl Kolchak is that rare thing in cinema – a hero (and by hero I mean main character) who is absolutely terrified of what he is going after. The brilliance of Kolchak’s character must lie in the actor portraying him – Darren McGavin. McGavin brings a homely and gentle side to Kolchak, and the script really brings about the idea of a man who really doesn’t know what he’s going after. In one scene, Kolchak is investigating the house in which the vampire is believed to be taking up residence, and the audience is constantly thinking: “What is this guy gonna do if the vampire shows up?” We have no idea, and neither does Kolchak. He just wants a good story for his paper. As we watch The Night Stalker, we learn about vampiric folklore just as Kolchak does, and we share his intrigue and terror.
4. Seth Gecko (George Clooney in From Dusk Till Dawn, 1996)
The Tarantino/Rodrieguez horror-crime orgy that is 1996′s From Dusk Till Dawn sees two escaped criminal brothers – the Gecko’s, Seth and Richie (George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino, respectively) – on the run from the cops. On their way, they kidnap a preacher (Reservoir Dogs’ Mr White himself, Harvey Keitel) and his two kids as hostages. They make their way to a sleazy stripper bar – the suitably named Titty Twister (featuring a hilarious cameo from Cheech Marin) – and wait for the brothers contact, Carlos (Marin again – he has a triple part in the film). But as the group soon discover, the Titty Twister is overrun with vampires (including Desperado‘s Salma Hayek, performing a dance that is probably the sexiest thing I’v ever seen in a film), and the group must set aside their differences in order to survive the night.
George Clooney in a Tarantino scripted film? Are you high? Alas, no. But it is damn stange to hear every second word springing from Clooney’s lips starting with “F“. But Seth’s a great character. When the vamps do attack (and good God, it’s sudden), he asks no questions. He just puts his disbelief aside and starts to fight, with only survival (surprisingly not just for himself, but for Keitel’s family too) on his mind. Clooney also surprisingly totally nails Tarantino’s quick, witty dialogue – not something you’d expect from an actor just making his way into movies from television’s ER. Any fan of Clooney’s more recent pictures will probably be horribly shocked by his character in From Dusk Till Dawn – and that tatoo is killer.
3. Gabriel Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman in Van Helsing, 2004)
Many vampire fans are bound to be familiar with the respected scientist and vampire hunter Abraham Van Helsing, Count Dracula’s nemesis from Bram Stoker’s classic novel. But 2004′s Van Helsing completely re-invented the character into a young, trigger-happy monster hunter (Hugh Jackman, the X-Men trilogy), who is sent to Transylvania along with his friar Carl (David Wenham, The Lord of the Rings trilogy) in order to help the Valerious family destroy Count Dracula, in order for their ancestors to enter the gates of heaven.
Although Van Helsing also goes up against Mr. Hyde, the Wolf Man (a total of three werewolves appear in the film) and Frankenstein’s monster, it is the sheer conflict and chemistry between Van Helsing and Dracula (Richard Roxburgh, in a scene-stealing role) that keeps the viewer enthralled. The hatred truly shines through, and yet one cannot help but believe the two characters have respect for one another. Van Helsing also has a great “vampartillery” arsenal, inluding an awesome gas propelled crossbow which is put to good use against one of Dracula’s three brides. Hugh Jackman really proved his worth as an action star in this movie, and should Harrison Ford ever step down… he’d be a great Indiana Jones.
2. Sex Machine (Tom Savini in From Dusk Till Dawn, 1996) 
From Dusk Till Dawn strikes again! I won’t bother going over the plot again, because that would be pointless. Basically, Sex Machine is one of the bikers hanging out in the Titty Twister when the Gecko Brothers arrive with their hostages. When the vampires strike, Sex Machine (much like Seth, mentioned earlier) doesn’t even question whats happening: he just prepares himself for a good bar fight – though this bar fight could cost him his life, and it eventually does.
Tom Savini’s performance as Sex Machine is effortless. He just sinks his teeth (oh, the irony) into the role and become’s the character. What is it that makes Sex Machine so great anyway? His awesome jacket? His cool whip? His crotch gun? His name? To be honest, I really don’t know: I just love the guy. Certainly my favourite character in Dusk Till Dawn, and probably one of my favourite characters in cinema. Unfortunately he BECOMES A VAMPIRE – movie ruined.
And now #1… you must have seen this coming:
1. Edgar and Alan: The Frog Brothers (Corey Feldman and Jamison Newlander in The Lost Boys, 1987)
Well, if you didn’t see this one coming, you’re a fool. Edgar and Alan Frog -
Fighters for truth, justice and the American way.
two of the greatest characters in cinema history. Comic book shop workers by day, vampire hunters by night. I could write all day about these guys, but I won’t, because that would be silly.
The Lost Boys tells the story of an all-American family who are recovering from a divorce moving to beach town Santa Carla. When Michael (Jason Patric), the eldest son, falls for a local girl Star (Jamie Gertz), he inadvertently falls in with a group of vampires led by David (Kiefer Sutherland), and becomes a half-vampire himself. He must now rely on the help of his brother Sam (Corey Haim, who is just a fine actor… FINE), and the Frog Brothers to free him of his curse.
The Frog Brothers are the very epitome of machoness. Dressed in their combat outfits, armed with their vast “vampartillery” and with their low, Stallone-parodying voices, they are just hilarious. Every scene they are in, you find yourself watching them. They are the kind of people you just wish you knew, the kind of people who take themselves extremely seriously while everyone else around them is laughing. But the genius is in the character’s themselves – they go from a pair of lads obsessed with the fantasy of vampires to being suddenly thrust into a life-or-death situation – and while they are pretty much useless in combat, they never back down. Edgar and Alan Frog – I salute you.
Well there you have it folks!
Steven
